I have always believed in love. And I have long awaited the day when I would let it into my heart and allow it to fill my entire being with warmth. But I never imagined that I would get my first glimpse of this powerful emotion so early in my life. This past year, I found the very first piece of my puzzle.
Love is a complicated mess of feelings and emotions. But it's as simple as a goodnight kiss. Some people say love is composed of years of experience, others say it's a small high school romance. However, I believe both situations could be considered love; they're just different degrees of it. After all, who are we to tell others what love is?
I personally see love as a grand puzzle--each piece very different from others. Somewhere along our path of life we'll find our first piece. When I found mine, I found pure emotion; the ability to give everything to care for someone else. Which was something I had never come close to feeling. And with each piece, our grand pictures becomes more defined, our feelings become stronger, our understanding deepens, and the overall idea becomes clear. With each piece our experience grows and our love changes into something stronger--something beautiful.
This year I found my first piece and in return I allowed myself to be vulnerable. I don't like being vulnerable. I'm the type of girl who is proud of her strength and independence. But this year, I got lost in his eyes. And just like that he gently coaxed my scared heart from the safety of my rib-cage, and before I even had a chance to realize it, I was vulnerable.
I'm not say I fully understand the concept of love--but I am saying I have begun to understand it. I cared so much for a boy that it scared me. I missed him when he was gone, and my head spun whenever he was around. When I woke up every morning, I wished him all the happiness in the world--every night before sleep cast it's spell on me, I wished him every drop of happiness again. His smile made my heart thunder and his laugh made my blood race. He knew me. He knew my quirks and all of my weird fetishes--He knew the things that would make me laugh and the things that sent fear through me. He knew everything about me. He cared for me and all of my imperfections. Our love was comfortable. When I was with him, everything seemed right.
Within my short seventeen years of life, people have come into my heart and have left a mark. Some of the marks are small fingerprints that barely scratch the surface--others are deep cuts that turn into a scar. This boy left a mark of countless memories laced with beautiful moments and intense emotions. I am not afraid to say I loved him, so far this is what I know love to be. Yet, I know that as I continue on my journey in life there will be many more moments of even stronger emotions.
I won't forget the events that took place this year. They helped mold me into the person I am now. They have made me stronger and have helped me to understand an emotion that was foreign to me. My feelings took time to acquire. I put effort into us, into him, and now it will take time and effort to fully move on. Because I cared for him so deeply, it cut just as deep to make the decision to continue living my life without him. But I'm finally beginning to accept those emotions as part of my year, that is part of my past. So really, I'm beginning to accept my brief glimpse of love and every moment intertwined with him as part of my past. I'm okay. I've always been okay.. just part of me isn't.
Someday, maybe sooner, but probably later, I will find the final piece of my puzzle. Someone special will find their way into my heart, and they will choose to stay. They'll wipe away the fingerprints and heal the deep scars that cover the surface of my heart. And slowly, they'll erase the ghosts of heartbreaks past and allow themselves to be my present and future. One day when I have a deeper understanding of love, a man will come into my heart, and he will choose to stay.
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