lost.

Someone once told me that it is absolutely necessary to make a fool of yourself for the sake of love.  Throw your heart into it. Sing a love song.  Over-use those 3 little words.  Tell him you love him.  Put everything on the line so at least you'll know that you did everything you could--no regrets.  

And I did just that.  I dangled my heart from a string and I stretched the string as far as it would go.  I left myself vulnerable.  I pushed that little muscle as deep as it could possibly reach and it was left completely  unprotected.  I sang silly songs that we once called ours and he sang along.  I did everything I possibly could--and it wasn't enough.  I thought I knew what love was, but now I am not so sure.

If love is sitting side by side on a couch doing homework constantly stealing a glance at each other, then I guess it was love.  If love is playfully making sarcastic comments in the middle of every conversation, then I guess it was love.  If love is walking around the store pretending to be a needy customer so that his boss thinks he's working, then I guess it was love. If love is quietly whispering a conversation so that only your ears can hear it, then I guess it was love.  If love is thinking back on moments spend together and being unable to suppress a smile, then I guess it was love.  If love give you that breathless "first kiss" feeling every time you kiss, then I guess it was love.  If love makes you hurt when you are forced to say goodbye, then I guess it was love. 

I'm hurting-- I said my painful goodbye and I am doing my best to keep move forward.  But it is taking every last bit of effort to not turn my head and look back at all of happy memories that composed this past year.  When I think of happy things I think of him…every memory that fills my head is intertwined with him.  But I can't think like that anymore. Because I have lost him…I have lost what I thought love was and now I'll never know if I was wrong.  Goodbyes seem like such a permanent thing. 

Some would say I am free… freed mind, freed lips, freed life.  But if this is freedom, all it leads to is salty tears and aching hearts.  A freed Kenzie leads to exactly the same thing.

Cross your fingers that I find happiness again.

I don't like the shadow of lonely, trapped emotions.